Heavens Above

..But its a long way down.

excerpt 1

Introduction

Picture a man to be feared, banned from football stadiums up and down the UK. This was a hard man, who, neither gave nor expected quarter. His battle scars singled him out as much as the hooligan Stone Island casual clobber he wore with pride. A few stints in prison had only served to make him even more rebellious, and his long suffering parents had just about given up on a son who it seemed was hell-bent on the road to destruction.

That Ladies and Gentleman was the Nick Berry of old.

Let me now introduce you to the Nick Berry of today.

Overweight and balding, an average 33-year-old homeowner who lived in a typically average leafy suburb of Cheshire in the North West of England. Nick had married and settled down with his childhood sweetheart Mona, both of whom were now the proud parents of two young boys aged six and eight years old.

Having turned his back on his less than illustrious past and becoming a respected, law-abiding member of the community, old habits, as they say, die hard and at night in his dreams he would often relive the battles of old fought on the football terraces.

Nick`s mother and father were naturally delighted with the salvation of their reformed son whom they had long feared had become the “Black Berry of the family”.

Yet Nick found the stresses of family life, suburbia, and encroaching middle-age far harder to digest, than his inglorious past – he missed the old days.

It was the 3rd July 2013, which as it happened was Bingo, the family black and tan Belgian Hovawarts birthday, who was sat outside in the garden with his snout submerged in a dog bowl overflowing with chocolate M& M´s and pork scratchings….his birthday present from the boys.  Nick meanwhile had other things on his mind having decided it was time to remove that troublesome wasp’s nest, from under the guttering above the boy’s bedroom window. Mona had implored him to employ Anticimex to do the task but to no avail.

Nick was a stubborn chap, and even more so should it involve money. Mona would wryly call him Stingy Berry, saying it was a wonder he could part with wind let alone money.

“I`ll be done in a jiffy and it won`t cost us a penny.”

He said nipping off to the garden shed to fetch a pair of step ladders.

Perspiring and somewhat out of breath, he returned with the ladders, placing them just under the boy`s bedroom window. Wearing a motorcycle helmet and a pair of Mona`s flowery kitchen gloves as protection, Nick`s cumbersome frame slowly clambered up the ladder. Once at the top, he opened up the black bin liner he was clutching in one hand and then carefully placed it beneath the wasp´s nest until the nest was safely confined within it.

 

Oh Nick Berry, you were so near to succeeding, had it not been for that magpie that landed on the bottom rung of the ladder.

Oh Bingo, if only you hadnt been born one number short of a full house, and a fervent dislike for Magpies maybe things might have turned out so much differently.

Alas Nicks fate was sealed when Bingo caught sight of the Magpie and lunged at the ladder. In those final fateful seconds as Nick plummeted to the ground a odd thought suddenly flashed through his mind.

What if it`s not that fall that kills you, but the landing?

Bingo – a fait accompli.

What `s for tea? Chapter one

It was like waking up from a dream, there was an ambulance in the driveway and two paramedics crouching over a figure while swotting irate wasps that were orbiting whoever it was that lay there. The figure was lying prostrate on the crazy paving stones Nick had laid the previous year but had never got round to finishing off the pointing.

Mona and the boys stood ashen-faced, looking on from a short distance away with Mona embracing the boys. The boy`s, each clinging onto one of her legs, hiding behind her, whenever a stray wasp made a beeline for one of them. Perched on top of the Meyer lemon tree Nick and Mona had been given as a wedding present, sat a magpie, peering down at the proceedings below. At the base of the tree, gazing up at the magpie sat Bingo, oblivious to all the commotion going on around him.

A small band of neighbours had gathered across the street. A bit like when Pavlov`s dog, reacted to the sound of a buzzer, only their salivary glands were activated by the sound of ambulance sirens –curiosity being their reward. Meanwhile, Nick found himself inexplicably peering down at those below when his bird`s eye view was interrupted by a tap on the shoulder and a croaky voice saying.

“If God had meant you to fly he would have given you wings, well see here right –he´s not and you ain`t so clear off out of my tree…bloody cheek!!”

Nick turned around and just caught a glimpse of the magpie, perched on a adjacent branch , irately wagging his wing at Nick.

Nick: “Do me a bleeding favour !

Exclaimed Nick, taken aback at being berated by a magpie.

Maybe, he thought, could it be he was hallucinating after all those wasp stings? Nick looked down at his throbbing groin and then with a glow of satisfaction, reflected in the glory how after his ordeal, his little man must now be of Premier League proportions, putting lesser unstung men to shame.

Nick´s gloating was interrupted by the irate magpie ruffling his feathers and with a parting shot of:

“You bloody northerners!” 

He flew off as the crow flies in a southerly direction towards Watford.

It was only when Nick saw this stepladders lying in the fish pond, his prize Japanese Carpies he had bought off a bloke down at the pub, now floating lifelessly on their backs, circling a pair of  partially submerged step ladders that it suddenly struck him!

Nick was no longer stood atop those ladders and that something was seriously amiss.

 It was something he couldn’t quite put his finger on, and come to think of it those stings were not hurting at all as much now.

And as he looked down at his feet, there were none there –just the neatly mown lawn below.

Meanwhile, on terra firma, the drama continued. The paramedics had placed the poor man on a stretcher and were now carrying him into a waiting ambulance.  He looks in a bad way, thought Nick to himself, and wished the victim well and hoped he would pull through, though judging by the wasp nest embedded in his groin area he doubted it. His chances were as slim as a sunny day in Manchester, thought Nick as the dark clouds started to loom overhead.

Nick found himself hovering directly above the paramedics, peering down at them as they carried the poor chap out to the ambulance. He found it strange that Mona and children accompanied the figure in the ambulance. Oh well, he thought, good neighbours and all that – hmmm I wonder what that bloke was doing in my garden? “Serves him right- lucky for him the wasps got to him first before I did!”   “It’s so bloody typical, she fucks off in an ambulance with a total stranger and doesn`t say a word. Sometimes, woman, you’re a right bollox!”

He said momentarily sounding like the hooligan Nick of old.

The ambulance sped away, the street echoed of slammed doors as the neighbours returned indoors.

“I wonder what time she“ ll be back home?”

Asked Nick sensing it would soon be teatime.

Story to be continued…….