Month: October 2022

Heavens Above……but it`s a long way down!

excerpt 2

Jumping the queue

Nick stared into empty space when suddenly he felt someone tap him on the shoulder.

“Sorry for interrupting at such an inopportune moment, but we really do need to make arrangements”.

Said a voice from behind .

Nick turned around to see what looked like Father Christmas, floating alongside him.

“I´m sorry, arrangements??? What bloody arrangements are you on about?”

Asked a somewhat vexed Nick.

Father Christmas: “Now you don`t know me Nick, and I understand your difficulty grasping the complexities of your situation. It is the same for all the new arrivals”.

“New what – …..are you having a laugh? Now you look here you fuzzy faced twat, clear off out of my garden or I´ll set the dog on you!”

Snapped Nick, the absurdity of having a mid-air conversation with a Father Christmas, hovering above his flowerbeds had yet to sink in.

“Bingo, leave that tree alone.”

Yelled Nick turning his back on Father Christmas as he made his way back towards the house to fetch the dogs lead.

Somehow it didn`t feel right as he passed through the closed front door and emerged out through the other side, where to his annoyance he saw the TV was switched on and with nobody in the room watching it.

“How any bloody times do I have to tell the boy`s , God knows how much my electricity bill is going to be this month. Those bloody kids….they `ll be the death of me one of these day`s”.

Lamented Nick as he effortlessly glided over the fitted Axminster carpet to switch off the box only to see his hand disappear straight through the TV.

“I`ll call the TV repairman out tomorrow to take a look at it.”

Nick muttered then, glancing out through the front room window he caught sight of Father Christmas hovering above the flowerbeds, and talking to someone on his mobile phone.

Bingo meanwhile was still parked dilligently at the base of the tree, staring up into the branches as yet another Magpie landed on a branch, goading him out of reach with an infuriating cackle of disdain.

“That bloody dog, I told him to come away from there.”

Fuming, Nick made over to the livingroom window, to tap on the glass but yet again nothing happened as he saw his hand pass straight through the windowpane.

Nick: “What the fuck is going on here?

He hissed before catching sight of the dog.

Oy Bingo, clear that old geezer off out of my garden.”

Still nothing happened, Bingo was oblivious to everything but the goading Magpie.

 Father Christmas still on the phone, hovering over the flowerbeds was staring intently back towards Nick, beckoning him to step out and join him in the garden. Still dazed, a not with it Nick walked through the livingroom wall and floated along the garden path over to the flowerbeds.

“Ok love, yes i promise I´ll buy some milk on the way home, no, I won`t forget to get some bread, yes, I`ll come straight home and no,  I promise not to stop off for a drink with the lads. Yes, I love you too!”

Father Christmas, blew a fuzzy-faced kiss down his iPhone before ending the call.

“Women!”

Father Christmas, shook his head while tucking his iPhone under his wing.

Hmmm… he`s got wings??

Nick puzzled to himself.

“Sorry about that Nick, now where were we – oh yes now I remember, well son it`s like this – you`re dead….well leastwise we think you are.”

As Father Christmas aka Santa went on to explain, poor Nick was understandably struggling getting to grips with his predicament.

Santa: ” Nick, I know I might have been a little late getting here what with taking the kids to school and all, but it` was really a bit naughty of you as you’re not even on my list, and nobody likes people jumping the queue!

But now you and I are both here, I´ll try and find out what has happened, so you just sit tight while I nip back to Headoffice to get your paperwork sorted out and then return back later with some forms for you to fill in”.

Nick: “Hang on a bit, what am I going to do –I can hardly shoot off down the pub for a pint while I wait now can I?”

Santa: “If I was you, I`d close my eyes and think of Mona and the kids, and when you open them again you`ll be there with them.

Soul Speed it`s called, now see you in a bit, must dash before the office shuts.

Santa waved a hurried goodbye and then disappeared up into the clouds.

Nick, as Santa had suggested, shut his eyes and began to think of Mona and the boys. At that moment everything went very quiet, harmonic and indescribably relaxing….as if he was floating in one of those herbal bath salt concoctions while smoking a mega-spliff. Man….this took twisting his melon to a completely new level. Then just as suddenly the harmony vanished, sounds of hurried footsteps echoing in corridors. Murmurs, unintelligible at first and then slowly becoming recognizable –it was Mona`.